Fart Dad Read online

  Family. Fun. Faith. Farts. What more could you ask for in a book? Fart Dad: The Case of the Toy-nado is perfect for kids, parents, teachers, and anyone else who enjoys a little bit of potty humor and a lot a bit of fun. Follow along with three curious, clever, and maybe a little cluttery kids and their lactose-intolerant father as they seek out the culprit who is cleaning up all their toys! You will not be able to put this book down…and if you do, be sure it is safely put away so you don’t become the next victim of the toy-nado!

  ~ Kelsey Lambrecht, 3rd Grade Teacher

  As a parent of adult children, I can’t wait until I start having grandchildren. When they do come, I am thrilled to be reading Fart Dad: The Case of the Toy-nado to them. Why? Because Pete Ziolkowski has done a masterful job of combining a cleverly funny, readable, enjoyable and memorable yarn together. In addition, the book has a strong faith element that will definitely reach young listeners and readers as well as their parents (even though the Vikings/Packers humor cut me deep as a life-long Vikings fan!). I look forward to recommending it to the families in our church. Well done!

  ~ Steve Treichler, Senior Pastor of Hope

  Community Church, Minneapolis, MN

  Fart Dad

  Fart Dad

  The Case of the Toynado

  Pete Ziolkowski

  with Kristy, Elijah, JoJo, and Ania Ziolkowski

  Illustrations by Kristy Ziolkowski

  with Elijah, JoJo, Ania and Pete Ziolkowski

  © 2019 Pete Ziolkowski with Kristy, Elijah, JoJo, and Ania Ziolkowski

  Fart Dad

  The Case of the Toynado

  All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Elm Hill, an imprint of Thomas Nelson. Elm Hill and Thomas Nelson are registered trademarks of HarperCollins Christian Publishing, Inc.

  Elm Hill titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [email protected].

  Publisher’s Note: This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. All characters are fictional, and any similarity to people living or dead is purely coincidental.

  Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2019909405

  ISBN 978-1-400327362 (Paperback)

  ISBN 978-1-400327379 (Hardbound)

  ISBN 978-1-400327386 (eBook)

  Information about External Hyperlinks in this ebook

  Please note that footnotes in this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external websites as part of bibliographic citations. These hyperlinks have not been activated by the publisher, who cannot verify the accuracy of these links beyond the date of publication.

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1: The Best of Nights

  Chapter 2: The Day the Toys Went Away

  Chapter 3: School Is Cool

  Chapter 4: Eyes on the Prize

  Chapter 5: No More Toys

  Chapter 6: The Trap Is Set

  Chapter 7: The Race Is On

  Chapter 8: A Fart Is Born

  Chapter 9: To Catch a Culprit

  Chapter 10: Fart VS Nado

  Chapter 11: A Family Reunited

  Epilogue

  CHAPTER 1:

  The Best of Nights

  A flash of electricity lit up the sky, making the dark night appear as bright as the day. Booming thunder shook the house, sending the fairy lights dancing as they dangled on the ceiling. The overweight hound dog shivered on the corner of the blue leather couch. Dad’s gravelly voice reverberated through the house —IT’S SHOWTIME!

  A stormy night may not be good for some things. But as you know, it’s great for others: like family movie night. Dad had spent the last half hour getting everything just right. Popcorn? Check. Movie with potty humor—but(t) heart too? Check. The family dog, Skinney? Check. The rest of the family? … er … not quite yet.

  The kids were scattered throughout the house playing away. Elijah was up in his Star Wars-decorated bedroom snapping together a LEGO tie fighter underneath his lofted bed next to the big dog kennel. His fingers locked the pieces in place with the precision of a surgeon. His tongue hung out of his mouth like a St. Bernard when it’s 100 degrees, if only St. Bernard’s drooled.

  JoJo and Ani, like most eight-year-old twin sisters, were running around the hallway, navigating their ponies in between Gecko cages, overflowing bookshelves, and a table mounted on the wall.

  Ani: Neigh! Neigh! Neigh! You’ll never catch me! I’ll always get away!

  JoJo: (In the best “British” accent an eight-year-old girl from Wisconsin can muster) Now, now, little one, you will learn to be a proper horse, fit for a queen.

  Ani: I will not. I will not go to “proper” school, for I am a wild pony!

  JoJo: It’s great to be a wild pony, but wild ponies don’t get bubble baths or chocolate.

  Ani: Oooooo my, I really like….

  Dad’s voice rang through the megaphone: IT’S SHOOOOOOWTIIIIIMMMMMEEEE!

  Every kid instinctively dropped their toys, adding to the mess that should be made by a good game of royal pony training or the organized chaos of a master builder of LEGOs.

  Dad: What took you guys so long?

  JoJo: Oh, it’s just our little ponies weren’t being good listeners—

  Ani: Hey! They were doing just fine. The pony trainer wasn’t doing enough—

  JoJo: Sissy! That was the game we were playing—the trainer pony was having a hard time—

  Elijah: Girls! Can you stop it already?! It’s time for our movie. Dad—

  BOOM!!! CRACKLE!!! BOOM!!!

  Lightning filled the sky, thunder warned the world that there is a greater power out there, and the overweight hound dog jumped onto Dad’s lap, knocking the big red bowl of popcorn onto the ground while shivering with fear. But as quickly as her fear came, it was replaced with the thrill of the hunt … er … scavenge as she started cleaning the popcorn off the ground with the force of 10,000 Hoover vacuums.

  The ecstatic dog was completely oblivious to the kids’ disappointment as she ate and ate and ate while the kids whined and cried and complained that the last bit of popcorn just became a late-night treat for the dog.

  Dad: Well, you can feel free to still eat it. Skinney didn’t get that kernel in the corner yet!

  JoJo: Dad! We’re not going to eat popcorn off the ground like a dog!

  Ani: Yeah, that’s where we walk! Everything we step in all day long is on this floor!

  Elijah: I don’t care, I’ll eat—oh, never mind.

  Skinney: BuuuuUUUUuuuuuUUUUrrrRRRRRRpPP!!

  Dad: Well, that’s that. Who’s ready for our movie?!

  Elijah: What are we watching—star battles, reentry of the jet guys?!

  JoJo: My small, teeny, tiny, horsies, unicorns, allicorns, and pegasuses?!

  As you could probably guess, this went on for some time. You know how it is when you’re trying to decide what to watch with your brother and sister. Everybody has an opinion and everyone’s opinion is different. And you also know what it’s like to watch a show with your dad. Eventually, he’ll just make a decision.

  Dad: Nope! But we’re all going to like
this one—and here … we … go!

  Movie starting music….

  A kitten mouthing the sounds of a lion….

  Big people talking with the voices and cadence of little kids….

  This could only mean one thing: Dad hit the jackpot. Oh, what a relief. How many odd and random old shows do you have to watch because it’s what your dad chose? These kids couldn’t count the number of times they had to watch the highlights of the Packers 2010 Super Bowl season. Oh well, at least they’re not Viking fans. They don’t have any Super Bowl highlights to watch! Either way, it doesn’t matter. This time they got to watch pure comedy gold. Kid Snippets the movie coming right up!

  The laughs came fast and furious. It was the kind of fun family night that made you forget you only have one more day before school starts again. It was a moment, and you don’t realize this at the time, but when you’re older you’ll understand that nights like this are what made you feel like you have a secure place in this world. When you get lost in a moment, you overlook the obvious. And this crew didn’t even realize that they were so excited to watch this movie that they did not wait for their mother. Again.

  Mom: Hey, did you guys start without me?!

  Everyone else at the same time: Sorry, Mom! … again….

  Mom: Where am I supposed to sit? Skinney! Get down!

  Everyone else all at the same time: No! Don’t make the dog get down.

  Dad: Sweetie, she’s scared of the thunder. You know that.

  Ani: Yeah, Mom!

  Jojo: Here, Mommy, you can have my spot!

  Mom: No, no, no. Everyone just scoot over. Here, Jojo, come sit on my lap.

  Just as Mom sat down—the movie ended.

  Dad: All right my crew, time for bed.

  All the kids all at the same time: Nooooooooooooooo!!

  Elijah: Dad, can’t we just watch a few more clips?!

  JoJo: Mom didn’t get to see any of this, Dad, pleaaaasssssseeee?

  Mom: No, Dad’s right. It’s time for bed. We’ve got school tomorrow so let’s head upstairs, kids.

  With that, the kids began the long, defeated walk of bedtime. Like criminals headed to jail after being sentenced, the kids reluctantly, slowly, moped their way upstairs. If they would have known what was waiting for them, though, they wouldn’t have gone upstairs at all. Or perhaps, they would have never left the upstairs. As they made their way through where they were playing just an hour earlier, a flash of lightning revealed that everything upstairs was totally, completely, thoroughly, unashamedly, perfectly, dramatically—clean.

  CHAPTER 2:

  The Day the Toys Went Away

  The rising sun was preparing to prove, yet again, that darkness is no match for light. And the kids were preparing to prove, yet again, that their soft pillows were no match for video games. For the last 17 minutes, Elijah had been watching the clock chase 6:00 AM. Like a rock in a slingshot, each minute increasing the tension for when he would finally be released to attack King Koopa with flaming spitballs and a raccoon’s tail.

  Beeeyyyooooouuuuummmmmmmmmm

  Elijah charged downstairs to play Mario 3, but crashed into a brick wall of responsibility called Mom. Her deep brown eyes and soft, caring voice almost made up for the disappointing delay on video game time.

  Mom: Good morning, my sweet boy. How did you sleep?

  Elijah: Armnphmm….

  Mom: Are you still sleepy? Do you need to go back to bed?

  Elijah: Nuh-uh

  Mom: What did you want to do?

  Elijah: Play video games

  Mom: Not yet. You know you have to eat breakfast, brush your teeth, and get ready for school before you can….

  A faint unintelligible call was heard in the near distance

  Mmmmmmoommmmmmmm

  Mmmaaahhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm

  Mommy!!

  Is there a better feeling in the world than to wake up to safety? Not just physical, but emotional? You probably haven’t been able to put your finger on this yet, but if you pay attention, you’ll notice this comes not so much from what you feel but from what you don’t. You don’t feel rushed or hurried. You aren’t worried about being accepted or approved of. You just know that you are. It’s challenging to appreciate it in the moment, but little gifts like this are a covert present from heaven.

  Mom: Good morning, my little sweetie poo.

  With her big blue eyes half open, Ani crawled up into her mother’s lap and decorated it with her messy bed head. She was just about to fall back to sleep when the smell of chocolate chip Eggo waffles lured her into giving this day a chance. When they popped out of the toaster, Ani popped off her mother’s lap and attacked the waffles as if they were her first and last meal. Elijah had to settle for cereal in a cup. Again.

  Meanwhile, JoJo was still sleeping.

  Now that the race for the waffles was complete, the race for the first turn on the Nintendo began. Elijah ran up the stairs with Ani in a close second. They barged into the bathroom and wrestled for the toothpaste. One of the kids might have won, or they could have just taken turns, but instead they both lost when the toothpaste squirted all over the shower curtain. And the floor. And the mirror. And the wall. And the light switch. And the toilet. And the little thing that plugs the sink. And Elijah’s back. And Ani’s hair. But she didn’t know that.

  Meanwhile, JoJo was still sleeping.

  The kids pressed on, though, as they knew they must. Princess Peach wouldn’t save herself. The next leg in the morning race gave Elijah an undisputed victory. He could get into his school clothes without any resistance. Ani, on the other hand, could not. She shared a room with her sister. And JoJo was still sleeping. Which caused her to protest, unsuccessfully of course….

  Ani: It’s not fair! Elijah always gets to play first. Why should I have to miss out because my sister is still sleeping? When will there be peace in the Middle East? How can extreme poverty be eliminated? When will excessive greed be legislated? When will daylight savings time be eliminated? How come the food that’s good for you tastes bad? How come the food that’s bad for you tastes good? What’s with cat people anyway? Why didn’t Noah swat the two mosquitoes and save us all this misery? Who decided to change math? Why do dentists ask you questions when you can’t respond? What does “same difference” even mean? How come….

  This went on for some time. While JoJo was still sleeping, Elijah got one square closer to rescuing Princess Peach. Ani complained and questioned for so long that she missed her chance to play video games. She wasn’t happy about that. But the kids did have a few minutes left before they needed to walk to school. So they went upstairs to play. And were horrified by what they didn’t find.

  Elijah: Where is the Millenium Falcon? And the Batwing? And Excalibur Batman’s grey helmet with the scratched back?

  Ani: Where’s Goldy?!

  Meanwhile, JoJo woke up.

  JoJo: Goldy’s missing! Where is she? Where did she go? Is Meadowfield gone?! Meadowfield! MEADOWFIELD! MMMMMMMEEEEEEEAAAAAAADDDDOOOOOOWWWWWWWFIII IIIIEEEEELLLLDDDD! What happened to my horsey? My horsey, oh my sweet horsey, where did you go? What happened to you? How did you get away? What will I do without you? Who will Goldy play with? Wait—Goldy’s gone too! My life is ruined! Booohhoooohhhooooooo! Cry cry cry! Tears! Pain! Agony!

  Ani: Oh well, I guess we’ll just have to play with our mermaids.

  With that, the girls rushed off to play with their mermaids and Elijah switched over from Star Wars and Gotham City to Jurassic World and Lego Emmet. But definitely not the Avengers. (Iron Man sucks!)

  Just as quickly as the imaginary worlds of mermaids and LEGOs emerged and combined, so they disappeared when the warning siren of Mom’s voice bellared through the house.

  Mom: TIME FOR SCHOOL! Let’s go, kids. Vamos a ir a la escuela ahora ninos!

  The kids were tired of getting … um … firmly encouraged to do what they were told when they were told, so they dropped their toys where they were and headed downstairs. A
s the kids walked down, Mom walked up to check on their progress. She surveyed the mess and let out an exasperated mom sigh.

  Mom: Aye yi yi, why doesn’t anyone pick up around here?

  But there was no time to worry about that now. School would start at 8:00 AM regardless of how clean the house was. So off they went. Even though the morning had been filled with many challenges at home—lost toys, lost chances to play video games—the greatest challenges were yet to come. SCHOOL!

  CHAPTER 3:

  School Is Cool

  School has its challenges for most kids. Who would choose a hard desk, forced silence, and bullies—over—sleeping in, staying in their jammies, and cuddling with their dog? For many kids, though, school provides more comfort and security than home does. So if you would prefer to be at home than at school, chalk that up to another covert gift from heaven. And if you would prefer to be at school than at home, well, just be glad that you don’t have it as bad as the fifth graders at Pickle Hill.

  Just the sight of Mr. Whurst’s door was scarier than the furnace in Kevin McCallister’s basement. (Youtube it, kids. It’s a classic!) It’s almost as if his pointy nose was surgically enhanced to syphon the fear off the children as they walked by. FEAR. Fear surely fed his dark heart. No one dared to meet the beady eyes adorning his bald head. Not since Matt Beatnick did on March 31st of 2015. No one heard from him again. And we all know how much he loved to talk.

  Many teachers, like third grade teacher DJ Schmidom, do the best that they can to create a welcoming environment for the kids. Some were intimidated by DJ when they first saw him. His dark skin, dreadlocks, and tattoos matched a stereotype that did not match the love in his kind heart.

  DJ, like the other excellent teachers, didn’t believe that children are the future—they know that children are the present. They happily give countless hours that no one sees to care for kids in ways that most won’t remember. But they keep on grinding for that one scholar who will. The one who needs it. The one who will fall through the cracks if they don’t.